Ashes (thoughts after a break-up)

Out of ashes bloom new beginnings. This is how I retain hope. Ashes are everywhere. Ashes of my personal relationships, ashes of so many mistakes and regrets, ashes falling as the entire world stumbles. I have to bear at least some of that responsibility.

After a mild, mostly sunny October that ended in disaster, it has begun to rain. Its fallen off and on for a week now, and the first breath of winter's chill has crept in with it. The raindrops turn the ash into a heavy cake. It coats every surface I touch and rubs off on my hands. They always feel dirty now. The cold apparently freezes this muddy ash into a thick black gel by morning time that is tough to walk through. Trying makes me feel like a clown. The sun is dropping off the horizon earlier in the day and all with the clouds, the ash, the rain, and the cold, the world is darker today than it ever has been. Logic would convince me that winter is coming. Yes it is, but that does not account for the minor tragedy that is happening now. And there is no explanation for the ashes.

But ashes are opportunity. This logic eases my mind in moments of flustered panic, but my heart is far to naive to find comfort in this hollow advice. Winter hasn't even arrived yet! November, December, and January are all yet to come! These are the hard months. The cold bites the bones in the darkness of their winter. My heart is already frozen. It won't understand the opportunity that the ashes are until it witnesses flowers blooming.

For now, my heart is surrendering to my mind. When my mind is busy the shouts and murmurs of the heart, desperate as they are, aren't quite audible. If my mind works through the dark at cultivation - at urging some blooming - then my heart can be won over in the spring while my exhausted mind rests a bit. And then I'll be alright.

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